Agustus 15, 2017

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Karena ruangan sebidang kosong lol mau surprise w kyknya ya tiba-tiba kosong gini abis makan siang, end up dengan meratapi tugas ku yang kok ada-ada ajah, meratapi PL yang masih 13 hari lagi.. tapi ketimpa izin beberapa hari yang membuat weekendku harus ke lapang #isok #internslyf #manaliburanku

Once, I have a really deep talks about how life changes me in a lot of sights. Its challenges; its chances. I am in the midst of “I need helps” like really I am. But I know that I am a terrible story teller & choose to keep it alone wk. Since I realized that things changed a lot in me, I knew something couldn’t work anymore. An extrovert one just turned. I never imagine that one month is not enough yet for me to adapt in this situation, it never happened; but now, it’s real. Jadi canggung, kikuk? Even honestly all things are still under control.

We may look so happy for shits we hided; we try to create connections after being rejected for million times. But, once; come a time we may feel.. so useless?

I do not lose my hopes in anything of I am working on now. But, sometimes I feel so small; feel so lack of spirits. How can these negativity come?

Move to another things I do want to share, that I endlessly feel so sad of this. Hwe.

Kak Andrie - Dayut - Kak Col - Kak Irv
Kak Dins - Me - Kak Anggi - Kak Nesu

Sesedih itu, ditinggal sama manusia-manusia di foto itu. "It gets real", Kak Nesu. No more, "kak gue main ke kostan lo ya", even kostannya jauh di antah berantah karena gue mau nangis tapi gue gamau cerita; but still, they knew exactly. No more, "makan yuk" jam 11 malem, just because I need somebody to talk to. A home of mine (di IPB), they changed the perspective; buddies who know how badly I am to tell stories, the first one who concluded that I am an introvert. Orang yang finally ngerti why I have to put these responsibilities, why I have to do that kind of double-trouble jobs. Who support me in all of conditions, who never leave, and who introduce me to "reality". Masih keinget jelas jaman di kostan Kak Irv; Kak Nesu, back up each other mau lagi sakit; susah; ujian hidup macem apapun, talk about romance until how the earth formed sampai subuh padahal w praktikum jam 7. Lol guys, me really sad now. Bersisa gue dan Dayut di tingkat akhir (obrolan terakhir sama ni manusia "tinggal kita fu, sedih ya" wk sambil ngomongin deadline hidup); dan Kak Nesu yang koas. Time flies so damn fast yah.. seneng karena kalian sidang dan lulus which means you passed it well tapi sedih juga kalian meninggalkan w. Mixed feelings of abg emang:( Doakan Afu syari & protected-kid yea semoga tidak bodoh-bodoh amat gitu sekarang dan selamanyaAaA. Ditunggu tamparan-tamparannya mwah!

Bye.

Agustus 07, 2017

we need no months to count how much we deeply fall to these combinations.




but sometimes good things are not meant in the same time.

Juli 27, 2017

Recehan waktu

"kamu himpunan?"
"iya Bu"
"jadi apa? terus kamu bagi waktunya gimana?"
"itu dua urusan yang berbeda Bu"
- dalam wawancara dengan Ketua Departemen

Gue ga pernah tau, dua sampai tiga langkah ke depan yang gue ambil itu bener atau engga. Ralat, sesuai atau engga dengan kompetensi dan abilitas gue. Faktanya, semua selesai pada waktunya masing-masing. Time heals everything, unless we don't permit it.

Seminggu ini, gue kayak melakukan banyak hal (padahal mah youtube-an dan blogging doang jir). Akhirnya bisa tau updated-conditions cimit-cimitku di luar kota, bisa ketemu Gening, bisa ke instalasi Abenk Alter, bisa evaluasi sama cimit-cimit lainnya, bisa belajar banyak banget dari tempat PL. Fyi, gue di seksi yang semuanya cowo, bapak-bapak gitu; gue sendiri, kebayang kan creepy nya macem apa kalo di kantor/mobil? Seminggu ini, lot of surprises happened, kayak tiba-tiba di-chat dosen siang bolong yang bikin gue gemeteran balesnya, lalu tiba-tiba beberapa hari kemudian jadi chat-an sama sekretaris wadek, obrolan sama pembimbing lapang tentang jadi A atau B, masuk ke perusahaan multinasional. Mungkin buat sebagian orang remeh, tapi buat gue it such has a meaning like finally.. I know how it is; for being surrounded & can be giving 'something'. A reason about why I am standing here.

Semakin tua, gue nyadar remeh-temeh dunia tuh perlu meski ya gue tau itu bohongan. Anggep aja itu semua jokes hidup. Kayak gue lupa bawa dompet ke kantor; jokes, tiba-tiba isi chat temen di grup bisa sama; jokes, ngambilin biji kopi dari cafe; jokes, nyokap minta temenin ke halal bi halal ibu-ibu komplek; jokes, kuat lari ngelilingin stadion; jokes. Lama-lama gue jadi Sule. Nampar juga 21 tahun hidup, ternyata gue gampang seneng sama hal-hal kecil dan sedih sama hal-hal lebih kecil lagi.

Minggu lalu gue naik ojek online dari suatu tempat (X) ke rumah. Gue baru tau kalo X itu wilayah gaboleh ada ojek online masuk, gue langsung jalan jauh sebelum bapaknya nyampe. Pas di motor, bapaknya cerita kalau beliau langsung disamperin enam ojek pangkalan. Sepanjang jalan gue minta maaf, malu, dan nangis sesampenya rumah. Seminggu ini juga gue mulai belajar masak tiap pulang PL berbekal youtube dan pinterest, bokap sama adik gue jadi jurinya terus yaudah, gue seneng.

Receh banget kan? Hidup emang harus dibawa receh kayaknya, biar ringan tapi tetep berharga. Ada masanya si receh-receh ini hilang karena udah kita pake to pay happiness we are wishing for. Kita bakal tetep cari si receh-receh walaupun kita punya pengganti yang lebih banyak karena kita tau kalau si receh-receh lebih bikin "pas" hidup; ga berlebihan.

Oiya, tadi gue abis nonton beberapa video dokumenter, shit ternyata dia tuh gue follow di tumblr terus jadi nulis ini. Seperti biasa, gue bingung ngasih judul apa; jadi semuanya selalu ga punya judul.


***


di balik senja yang merebut satu dalam kecup
pada hujan ditadah rindu yang menyusup
membawa bahu menghadap peluk tak bertuan
dalam santun dikau tekuk tak beraturan

semburat membawa relung-relung panji
dihisap punggung yang mengadu aji
ada risau tanda dikau telah runyam
melaun gundah terbalut malam

petang jengah mencari sendu
iris berkata asa dua terpadu
rusak,
pada aroma dikau terpana
menyumbat lupa yang amat fana

dipaku pada bising kesunyian
intuisi enyah, lari tak berkesan
ujarnya tengah dikunci taring kisah
dalam ilusi menjelma untai kasih

(a. d. / 2017)

Juli 13, 2017

eh?

after these three years, i just realized what i did was all about finding new comfort zone which means i was trying to expand it.

tiap nyoba satu ga puas, nyoba lagi besoknya, nyoba lagi di tempat lain demi ketemu orang baru & widen my potential, my point of view.

seseneng itu tiap ketemu orang baru & menggebu. semoga ga di awal doang ya. hehe.

Juli 11, 2017

Translating

Along we are getting older, much problems are finished by letting go. It demands less ego, less tears, less conflict; whether it is in ourselves or others. I am kind of person who can not express my anger well. I am expressive but finding myself hard in controlling my anger. I mean, where I am on my peak to loose it; I am only sobbing with tissues suround. How come? I don't even know. I keep silence to person whose I am getting anger with or things I don't like than to say I am not OK with their acts, sayings, etc. So please, do not ask me a lot of questions which only disturb my conditions. Hew.

I thought that all humans should read KBBI and Quran as well; thus they can not judge others and the most important; they know what they talked about. How if they were getting know things by their presence around you, and you were not realizing them?
- here a message to judges,
and
to person who doesn't know how to thank to.

Some messages on birthday wishes which I received have been turning to things I don't even want to re-read,
because it hurts.

Yaudah, mau curcol ajasi karena manusia-manusia kayak gitu percuma ga ngerti meski dikasih tau berkali-kali. But still, thank you.