You know it's a self-centered love. When you wake up at 5am on Sunday morning, then had ran. Ran for everything that sadly immured you. Ran for 4-5 rounds and had another joyous event you had to attend, introduced yourself for million times to stranger, played with children when you really knew that you were not ever love children at all, teach them a fun yet meaningful game, saw innocent faces of them while answered your questions just realized that life was so great but you never really bear it, went to bookstore and read it-so-me books, drank a large-cup of root beer float, brought some sweet cakes to be eaten on the bus while listened to shuffled playlist on Spotify when the dusk came, decided to walk instead of took public transportation just because you really want to escape the lights of the city when night came. And what matter was no handphone grabbed in your hand.

It's literally what I called about self-centered love.

I easily get distracted of what surrounds impulsed to things that literally didn't matter much to me, lately. I feel so bored of social life. Strolled timeline of Line then found some viral messages fulfilled with "viralkeun" comments. I knew sometimes it had any impacts, but how much? Yet, I felt like they just wanted that kind of attention, rarely for them got solutions, tho. Strolled over Instagram and lately felt so annoyed with its fitures; I only viewed stories of whom I really cared about, I posted photos then archived them, I opened explore tab only found those beauty one covered by make up, online shops, foods, quotes, I opened direct messages tab and found some old things I refused to read again. Strolled over Twitter that fulfilled with twit wars, creepy jokes which only me who know what it means. I also hided myself of people, fast response on responding important messages only; and could replied within a day until five days. Updated of things were not meant to share everything publicly, I found that it was more meaningful when I did not share it, only two of us; to the certain circle.

Karena ruangan sebidang kosong lol mau surprise w kyknya ya tiba-tiba kosong gini abis makan siang, end up dengan meratapi tugas ku yang kok ada-ada ajah, meratapi PL yang masih 13 hari lagi.. tapi ketimpa izin beberapa hari yang membuat weekendku harus ke lapang #isok #internslyf #manaliburanku

Once, I have a really deep talks about how life changes me in a lot of sights. Its challenges; its chances. I am in the midst of “I need helps” like really I am. But I know that I am a terrible story teller & choose to keep it alone wk. Since I realized that things changed a lot in me, I knew something couldn’t work anymore. An extrovert one just turned. I never imagine that one month is not enough yet for me to adapt in this situation, it never happened; but now, it’s real. Jadi canggung, kikuk? Even honestly all things are still under control.

We may look so happy for shits we hided; we try to create connections after being rejected for million times. But, once; come a time we may feel.. so useless?

I do not lose my hopes in anything of I am working on now. But, sometimes I feel so small; feel so lack of spirits. How can these negativity come?

Move to another things I do want to share, that I endlessly feel so sad of this. Hwe.

we need no months to count how much we deeply fall to these combinations.

"kamu himpunan?"

"iya Bu"

"jadi apa? terus kamu bagi waktunya gimana?"

"itu dua urusan yang berbeda Bu"

- dalam wawancara dengan Ketua Departemen

Gue ga pernah tau, dua sampai tiga langkah ke depan yang gue ambil itu bener atau engga. Ralat, sesuai atau engga dengan kompetensi dan abilitas gue. Faktanya, semua selesai pada waktunya masing-masing. Time heals everything, unless we don't permit it.

Seminggu ini, gue kayak melakukan banyak hal (padahal mah youtube-an dan blogging doang jir). Akhirnya bisa tau updated-conditions cimit-cimitku di luar kota, bisa ketemu Gening, bisa ke instalasi Abenk Alter, bisa evaluasi sama cimit-cimit lainnya, bisa belajar banyak banget dari tempat PL. Fyi, gue di seksi yang semuanya cowo, bapak-bapak gitu; gue sendiri, kebayang kan creepy nya macem apa kalo di kantor/mobil? Seminggu ini, lot of surprises happened, kayak tiba-tiba di-chat dosen siang bolong yang bikin gue gemeteran balesnya, lalu tiba-tiba beberapa hari kemudian jadi chat-an sama sekretaris wadek, obrolan sama pembimbing lapang tentang jadi A atau B, masuk ke perusahaan multinasional. Mungkin buat sebagian orang remeh, tapi buat gue it such has a meaning like finally.. I know how it is; for being surrounded & can be giving 'something'. A reason about why I am standing here.

Semakin tua, gue nyadar remeh-temeh dunia tuh perlu meski ya gue tau itu bohongan. Anggep aja itu semua jokes hidup. Kayak gue lupa bawa dompet ke kantor; jokes, tiba-tiba isi chat temen di grup bisa sama; jokes, ngambilin biji kopi dari cafe; jokes, nyokap minta temenin ke halal bi halal ibu-ibu komplek; jokes, kuat lari ngelilingin stadion; jokes. Lama-lama gue jadi Sule. Nampar juga 21 tahun hidup, ternyata gue gampang seneng sama hal-hal kecil dan sedih sama hal-hal lebih kecil lagi.

Minggu lalu gue naik ojek online dari suatu tempat (X) ke rumah. Gue baru tau kalo X itu wilayah gaboleh ada ojek online masuk, gue langsung jalan jauh sebelum bapaknya nyampe. Pas di motor, bapaknya cerita kalau beliau langsung disamperin enam ojek pangkalan. Sepanjang jalan gue minta maaf, malu, dan nangis sesampenya rumah. Seminggu ini juga gue mulai belajar masak tiap pulang PL berbekal youtube dan pinterest, bokap sama adik gue jadi jurinya terus yaudah, gue seneng.

Receh banget kan? Hidup emang harus dibawa receh kayaknya, biar ringan tapi tetep berharga. Ada masanya si receh-receh ini hilang karena udah kita pake to pay happiness we are wishing for. Kita bakal tetep cari si receh-receh walaupun kita punya pengganti yang lebih banyak karena kita tau kalau si receh-receh lebih bikin "pas" hidup; ga berlebihan.

Oiya, tadi gue abis nonton beberapa video dokumenter, shit ternyata dia tuh gue follow di tumblr terus jadi nulis ini. Seperti biasa, gue bingung ngasih judul apa; jadi semuanya selalu ga punya judul.

(a. d. / 2017)

after these three years, i just realized what i did was all about finding new comfort zone which means i was trying to expand it.

tiap nyoba satu ga puas, nyoba lagi besoknya, nyoba lagi di tempat lain demi ketemu orang baru & widen my potential, my point of view.

seseneng itu tiap ketemu orang baru & menggebu. semoga ga di awal doang ya. hehe.

Along we are getting older, much problems are finished by letting go. It demands less ego, less tears, less conflict; whether it is in ourselves or others. I am kind of person who can not express my anger well. I am expressive but finding myself hard in controlling my anger. I mean, where I am on my peak to loose it; I am only sobbing with tissues suround. How come? I don't even know. I keep silence to person whose I am getting anger with or things I don't like than to say I am not OK with their acts, sayings, etc. So please, do not ask me a lot of questions which only disturb my conditions. Hew.

I thought that all humans should read KBBI and Quran as well; thus they can not judge others and the most important; they know what they talked about. How if they were getting know things by their presence around you, and you were not realizing them?

- here a message to judges,

and

to person who doesn't know how to thank to.

Some messages on birthday wishes which I received have been turning to things I don't even want to re-read,

because it hurts.

Yaudah, mau curcol ajasi karena manusia-manusia kayak gitu percuma ga ngerti meski dikasih tau berkali-kali. But still, thank you.